It is strange, I feel not a tad sad, nor angry, bitter & resentful

I just don’t know what it is,

just numb, almost nothing,

unfeeling, piercing cold

yet it is beautiful,

like being stabbed by sharp blizzards,

embraced by hypothermia

but it’s worth losing the self to, over —

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Dolly

29.12.2018

Like, rigor mortis

I may love you enough to take a bullet for you but lord, arrogance & self-entitledment, that is me turning around & let the bullet hit you for who you truly are,

plus why take a bullet for someone who thinks they’re too good for other people?

Jesus, I won’t even ask you to take the wheel no more mate, but I am just so grateful that I have the decency to walk away from my own destruction in the hand of the wrong people I thought I have truly loved.

Thank you, another lesson learned.

Nothing is ever going to be easy, but I guess I’ve been to hell and saw my own demon, dealt with my own demon, that in turn I won’t be a demon at all but simply be the opposite of what that demon is trying to turn me into.

I have loved this newness , sniffed it like a brand new blood.

Darling, it’s time for me to say, it’s your loss, not mine. Though we have known another but it is your denial that now make us become a stranger. Remember it like a tattoo in your skin.

I have no regret, but I hope you do & when that regret is swelling in your body, I hope you know, it was you who sent me away, I bid nothing, not even a farewell.

What a powerful thing, to use it when you truly needed. I take nothing, those I have given, it was given for free, without expectation of return.

Yet again, that hubris, pomposity imperious lordliness of whom you have embodied,

that is what makes me sick to my stomach, that I would spew you in a heartbeat —

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Dolly

29.12.2018

I’m sorry but not sorry that my vibration is too high for anyone who choose to stay below the sewerage. I do like this new me though, to flush whoever that is no longer vibing to my level —

abjurecraven:

Grotesque, teeth in a silver platter / I hang this old abaya /  absquatulate, like an estranged wind / there is the word of wisdom held by the pillars of Alcazar /   amphisbaena, that her shape intrigues me / but at night I sprinkle the attic salt / stealing all the benthos beneath the cyanic floor / cacoethes, despite the red flags / I became noctambulist / leaving the bodies by the mouth of paludal / resembling  soucouyant / & all these secrets, I now burn amongst the ebb & flow of the silence shore of a faraway thalassic / –

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Dolly

10.11.2018 {QUEUE}

gobbledygook 

(via lzlabseesu)

Second day & I’m already trending — whooa

I am something — grateful & stoked to the boobs I mean bones 😂😎😜

To feel you pulsing in my veins is an honour

to hear you singing in my heart is a privilege

to have you breathing through my lungs

that is the kind of love

only the universe may have a name for

as it is a unique & rare kind of

love that ever existed in this lifetime—

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Dolly

28.12.2018

& we will be just like the rest of those who we admired before we became them —

When that day arrived,

I want you to feel me throb in your arms

from all the yearning of finally being

held by you —

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Dolly

28.12.2018

& I will look back to those moments of how crazy I sound & be grateful that I remain sane amongst the madness of my insanity—

We are destined, fated events

do you not want that?

because if that’s what I ever have to live for

then I’d do whatever it takes to

be a part of something that is

rightfully meant for me —

even if, it takes a million aching agony

of longing, of separation, of silence,

of absence, of distance, of patience

then it shall be, just to eventually

see our stars collide —

-

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Dolly

28.12.2018

Hopeful Hybrid Heaving : because if I say your name, my tongue will swell with the pollen of amour

Oh my goodness, I give you the sword so that if you ever going to betray me, you can do that right to my face, stab me right into my heart, see my eyes as you take my life, but no, despite such a martyrdom, you still stabbed me in the back, but in a way I’m glad, that in the end it’s never I was the coward, that if you aught to stab me right to the heart, you will die to / yet still I will die for the both of us & forgive you for this act of arbitrary

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Dolly

28.12.2018

Pragmatic innuendo of such is love

I am so tired, overwhelmed with my own words. I have folded myself. A river, I became this flowing water. I do not wish for perfection, I am as quiet as the night in the desert. I come home , to the same place that is gone. There is no more sea in me to be afloat. I carry daggers upon daggers, staggering in my back. Where am I going with them, I do not know but each steps they stabbed me deeper than Mariana’s Trench. Failing, failure of trying to just be kind & loving, gentle & tender, yet it is only Hades, by the door to greet me. I have sins, [sinned] that I have buried by the arabesque marble. I am no saint, only a trace of kindness I have or love that is what is left for me to write you. Today the mouth of the earth lullabied me to bed. I have slept, again & again in the arms of a faceless woman. Vivid, pure with light. I have poured every rain in me, thunder , with the sound of the roaring Atlantic. I have been here before, I have seen it, I have lived it, but I am still shackled by the old ways, the roots of habits I cannot seem to escape. There’s the pounding of honesty, hour after hour, truth soaking into the language of my wholeness. I sit still, embracing the sun that keeps on promising a better days, that it will walk me across the astral for the answers I have seek, longed for. I have wondered into nowhere but the jungle, the forest of the white witches cradle. Into the woods, I have soared & wounded every part of my wings. Who was I even fighting with? Fighting for? how all the maze expand, that I am yet again reliving the same motionless life. The unmoved lake, mute pond, wishing for the legs of another just to see what’s more out there. I have said so much, all my words like the salt where it was useless to spill & spew to the ocean, or like the water disembogue, cascade into a broken bucket, such a spillage of waste, of dissipation, of abuse.

My tenderness is taken by her limbs, her soul, her being for granted. I have the yearning, vast, boundless, infinite of its own kind. How with it, it’s empty, vacant, deserted, dying from the love that is both corrosive & gentle, hurtful & healing at the same time. In the end, in the end, I have my white flag by the city of many lights, letting the solar creeping into my dark gloom & doom days of loneliness, that I am resting, bending the knees, & yield to whatever that will come my way, holding the lantern by the door to this purgatory of another waiting bay, with a hope that, if it’s meant to be, what I seek with only the intention of love, shall seek me in return —

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Dolly

28.12.2018

End of year —

violentwavesofemotion:

I need to be surrounded by things and vibes and energies that feel indirect, warm, self-enlarging, light and uncomplicatedly true. I need to feel sweetly afloat and driven and mesmerized by what I already feel in my heart to be valid.